Sleeping Alone

Sleeping Alone

A close friend of mine was attacked during our third year of university. A stranger entered her room at night while she slept. Since then, I have trouble sleeping alone though it happened many years ago. When my partner is away on business and I have our apartment to myself, instead of sleeping, I bake. Or I clean. Or I binge watch on Netflix until the early hours of the morning when I pass out from exhaustion. If there are others in the house and I have a room on my own, I sleep with the lights on and my phone next to me. One time, I even hid a hammer under my bed. All the fears and nightmares which most people outgrow from childhood are more alive to me in my 20’s than ever before.

People say, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Every negative experience is a learning opportunity, an obstacle to overcome, a chance to become better. I believe that, I really do. But people rarely talk about the various ways that every negative experience can hurt us and scar us, even the slightest things. They leave us damaged in little and lasting ways. I forget who said it, but someone once described all of life as the continuous attempt to build yourself back up when the world tries to break you down. That may sound melodramatic, but I can’t help but feel there’s some truth in that. 

The other day, my sister and I were casually chatting about sleeping alone. When I told her I couldn’t sleep in a room by myself, better yet an entire house, I immediately and unconsciously added, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” My partner overheard and later said to me, “You know why you can’t. It’s not your fault.” 

Fault. Guilt. Failure. There’s always that mix floating around which we can’t seem to be rid of, no matter how hard we try to find peace. To heal means to become healthy again, to recover. But it doesn’t mean or imply to be the same, or to be unchanged. It may seem obvious, but it never occurred to me that this strange fear I’ve developed was related to what happened almost six years ago. My friend is beautiful and strong and so happy now, but I can’t even imagine how that horrific night must creep up on her in the most insidious ways.

Physically speaking, healing involves building new skin overtop of a wound. Sometimes, it leaves a scar visible to the naked eye, other times it doesn’t. One of the most important things I’ve learned as an adult is that we’re all a little scarred, and we each wear our damages in different ways. Two years after “that night”, one friend told me how that entire experience left her angry and hurt. “I feel like I’m tarnished”, she said with dry eyes. She spoke with sadness but conviction, as though it was just a fact of life. I couldn’t agree more with that word – the way it hung heavy in the air.

Tarnished. Scarred. Damaged. All words of encouragement and false hope that had been so programmed into me couldn’t come. All I could do was hold her hand and say, “me too.”


Life Updates Over Coffee

Life Updates Over Coffee

If we were having coffee right now, I would greet you with a warm hug and exclaim how long it’s been since we last saw each other. I would ask what you’ve been up to, how your husband and parents are, how work is going, and comment on how adorable you look in your outfit and matching headscarf.

If we were having coffee right now, I would tell you how blissfully happy and excited I am for the future, so much that these days I can’t focus because I’m going to burst like a piñata full of sprinkles and colourful candy. I would pause to take a sip of my coffee (slightly too hot), and excitedly tell you about my new venture. It’s called Cambio Market and will be an online boutique specialized in socially responsible and unique products sourced from social enterprises around the world. You would ask me to remind you what that means – social enterprise. I would explain that it’s a business – so it sells products and services like a business – except that it prioritizes positive social impact above profit. Your eyes would light up with excitement and you would exclaim, “that’s perfect for you!” I would enthusiastically nod my head in agreement.

If we were having coffee right now, I would recount what he and I have been doing these days. How I wake up in the mornings, lay around in bed reading Twitter and Reddit for an hour, then get up to make my coffee. I draw apart the curtains and look outside, breathing in distant sounds of cars and people driving past – sounds which have served as the backdrop to my inspiration. I spend an hour writing a blog post about, well, anything, and then I get back up to start my day. I research and meet with social enterprises and potential suppliers, spend hours on social media (sometimes productively), contact partners, and write.

If we were having coffee right now, you would ask me what it’s like to start a business with him, if it’s impacted our relationship in some way. I would pause for a moment and reflect, and then I would coyly respond with a “yes and no.” I would explain it all to you and you would listen with understanding and compassion. I feel immediately thankful to call you my friend.

If we were having coffee right now, I would confide how terror and excitement seem to go hand in hand, and that I am downright terrified of failure. You would listen and then tell me not to be afraid, I am going to be fine because you believe I can do it. I am comforted but almost immediately anxious at the same time.

If we were having coffee right now, you would tell me how unhappy you are at your job. You wish there was something more. You want to travel, to see the world, to be the person that can change things. I tell you, you can. I tell you to take the time you need to wrap your head around it and build up your confidence, but you can do it because I believe in you. You thank me and smile, but I know you don’t believe me.

If we were having coffee right now, at this point we both look down and realize it’s been three hours since we began talking. You have to get home and cook. I have to go home and get some work done. We hug and promise to see each other soon, both reassuring each other that everything is going to be alright.

This is a post inspired from Day 10 of course Writing 101: Update Your Readers Over a Cup of Coffee through Blogging U